Who Is In Control?
Epictetus didn’t believe it was possible to be offended or frustrated, not without anyone’s consent.
~Lives of the Stoics, Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman
Who is in control of your emotions? It’s a question we don’t think about all that much. On the surface, it may seem like a silly one. Well, of course, I am the one in control of my emotions… right?
And the answer is, yes. You are the one in control of your emotions. So, why do we get angry? Why do we get frustrated? Why do we get offended? For that matter, why do we get happy? Or anxious? Or excited? You get the picture.
When we are angry, we tend to blame it on the actions of others. “She made me angry.” “He makes me so mad!” When we do this, are we the ones in control of our emotions? It doesn’t seem like it. If we blame our emotions on the actions of another, then it seems like the other is the one in control of our emotions.
Now, look, I realize that this may be easier for me to say than for others to understand. I’ve always been a pretty even person emotionally. Or, depending on who you ask, completely devoid of emotions. In reality, that’s not the case. I feel emotions just as much as anybody else. I just don’t allow them to control me… most of the time.
Sure, I still get angry — just ask my kids after I’ve told them to do something three or four times. I still have outbursts where I let my emotions get the best of me. The bottom line, however, is that we are the ones in control of what we feel.
My wife will quote to me from time to time (and I don’t remember where she heard it), “Emotions make good messengers, but terrible masters.” That’s a good point. And I think as I learn more about Stoic philosophy, which has unwittingly been a major influence in my personal code of conduct most of my life, this is a good lesson to learn.
We certainly want to be in touch with our emotions. We want to pay attention to our emotions. But we can’t allow them to control our every action. Eventually, the anger subsides. What mess will we have to clean up when it does? Eventually, the fear goes away. Will we be able to look ourselves in the mirror when it does?
At the end of the day, we are the ones who have to account for our actions. And when that time comes, are we going to try to abdicate our responsibility by blaming it on our emotions — as if they are something foreign to us? Or are we going to do the right thing and take responsibility for how we respond to life’s situations?
