Healthy Conflict
It is also ironic that so many people avoid conflict in the name of efficiency, because healthy conflict is actually a time saver.
~Patrick M. Lencioni, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team
When I meet with couples before their wedding, one of the sessions focuses on conflict resolution. My goal in these sessions is simply to ask important questions and let the couples work through key issues before they get married. Frankly, most of these are just people saying what they think they need to say without really thinking through real-life situations. But, hopefully, they pick up some bits of wisdom along the way that will come back to them when needed.
When we do talk about conflict and conflict resolution, though, one of the topics of conversation usually centers around whether or not conflict is a good thing. And, the answer is, it depends.
That’s not always the answer they give. They want to look good in front of the pastor, so they’ll often say things like, “Oh, we never fight,” or “We don’t think there’s anything good that can come from arguing.” And this is when we talk about healthy conflict. Believe it or not, healthy conflict really exists, and it can do incredible things for people.
In order to have healthy conflict, both sides need to understand that the other side is simply looking at things from a different perspective. This requires some empathy and getting out of our own heads, which isn’t always an easy thing to do, especially in the heat of the moment.
We talk about fighting fair. Setting some important ground rules now that both parties will commit to in the future. Some people are so intent on winning arguments that they will do anything to make their point. This usually leaves severely strained or broken relationships in the aftermath. It’s not good. If we can agree on some very basic rules of conflict when there is no conflict, then we are more likely to stick to those rules when it hits the fan.
We also talk about whether or not this is worth fighting about. If one person likes the temperature at 72 degrees, and the other insists on having it at 70. Isn’t there another path? Of course there is. There’s always another path. Unfortunately, what our governmental leaders tend to show is lately is that it’s all or nothing. That’s rarely the case. And, perhaps, we shouldn’t be taking conflict resolution strategies from Congress.
Finally, I encourage people to ask themselves, “What if I’m wrong?” I have to tell you, this has been a revolutionary question for me. You can read more about that here. The essence is this: there are times in life when we think we are right… but we aren’t. We can dig in our heels and continue in our wrongness. Or we can say, “I might be wrong,” and that will change our entire approach to the conversation.
It’s okay to have a difference of opinion. It’s even okay to have a passionate difference of opinion. Healthy conflict can help people grow together and learn how to compromise. So, do the work ahead of time, and you’re disagreements will be much more productive.
