Forgiveness: Giving and Receiving
Forgiving those who have wronged us, and receiving forgiveness from those we have wronged, are two sides of the same coin. Neither one is particularly easy. Both are essential components of our spiritual growth.
Have you ever read through the book of Genesis? I know not everybody reading this will have a religious background, but even so, I imagine there are a lot of people who have read the opening book of the Bible (from a Christian perspective) or the Torah (from a Jewish perspective). One of the first times I really sat down and read through Genesis was when it was assigned in one of my college classes, and I grew up going to church on a weekly basis.
The next time you read it (or a part of it) keep something in mind. Genesis 12–50 is basically a really long story about four generations of family dysfunction. If you want to feel better about your own family system, read Genesis. Abraham nearly sacrifices his son Isaac. Isaac basically shuts himself down apart from playing a small role in the story of sibling rivalry between his sons Jacob and Esau (and you would too if your father nearly sacrificed you!). And then the narrative turns towards the twelve sons of Jacob (from four different mothers), who have their own kind of sibling rivalry that really takes things to an extreme.
To understand what all this has to do with forgiveness, we first have to get an understanding of the relationship of these brothers.
Jacob’s Sons
Jacob ends up having twelve sons. In some sense, they are born out of a competition between the wives of Jacob, who are also sisters, Rachel and Leah. Jacob obviously favors Rachel, but she is unable to conceive for a long time. Consequently, Leah decides that Jacob will begin paying more attention to her if she can give birth to some sons, which she does.
By the time it is all said and done, Jacob has twelve sons with four different birthmothers — Leah, Leah’s maidservant, Rachel’s maidservant, and the youngest two are birthed by Rachel herself.
Jacob shows an obvious favor for Joseph, the oldest of Rachel’s two sons, but the 11th son overall. We’re told that he is given a coat of many colors (amazing, right?!), and that he apparently looks like Donny Osmond. His obvious favor gets compounded with the fact that Joseph is a bit of a dolt when it comes to interpersonal relationships, particularly with his older brothers.
He has a couple of dreams, and in those dreams, he sees other objects bowing down to him. And then he tells his brothers about it. “Hey, guys, I know you are older than me, but one day you are going to bow down to me.” Who says those kinds of things? Well, Joseph does.
He is also a bit of a tattletale. When his brothers were screwing around in the fields, he was sure to tell his father about it. So… you know… they didn’t like him very much. Snitches get stitches and all that.
One day, Joseph is on his way to the fields with his brothers. They look up and see him sauntering along wearing his stupid brightly colored coat that Dad gave him, and they say to each other, “Here comes that dreamer. Let’s kill him.”
I know that some of you are probably older siblings. And I know that some of you probably picked on your younger siblings because that is the duty and right of the elder child. However (hopefully) none of you have ever plotted to kill one of your siblings. But that’s what Joseph’s brothers are doing.
When he finally gets there, they seize him, tear off his pretty coat and throw him into a pit. Then they take the next logical step: they sit down for lunch.
During lunch, some slave traders just so happen to be going by, and they decide to sell Joseph into slavery. I guess that’s better than their original plan, but it’s still not something I would recommend. At this point, the narrative shifts and focuses on Joseph for a time.
Joseph in Egypt
Joseph has a knack for working himself into positions of responsibility. It doesn’t take too long before he gets put in charge of all his master’s household affairs. Eventually it all falls apart when he is accused of the attempted rape of his master’s wife (which was a totally bogus charge; in fact, she’s the one that was trying to get him to bed!). Joseph is thrown into prison.
While in prison, Joseph manages once again to display some serious skills. This guy is an entrepreneur for sure, folks! He winds up getting put in charge of all the prisoners. I can only assume the warden is extremely brilliant or extremely lazy — I haven’t decided which.
One day, Joseph meets a couple of guys who have managed to piss off the Pharaoh. They get to talking about dreams they had, and Joseph interprets them. One is going to be restored to his position; the other is bird food. Literally. Joseph tells him that he’s got three days, and then the Pharaoh is going to cut his head off and hang his body for the birds to eat. Dreams are weird. But, of course, that’s exactly what happens. And the one who is restored promises to put in a good word for Joseph with the Pharaoh. And, of course, he doesn’t. Until the Pharaoh has a bad dream… two years later.
Joseph is brought before the Pharaoh to interpret his dreams, and in doing so, reveals that Egypt is going to have seven years of prosperity followed by seven years of drought and famine. Pharaoh is so impressed by Joseph’s dream interpretation skills and wisdom in how to deal with the upcoming situation, that he makes Joseph the #2 guy in all of Egypt. From prison to second in command in one day.
Joseph Reunited With His Brothers
When the famine started, things got pretty bad (not that things can really be all that good during a famine, I suppose). But it was so far-reaching that even Joseph’s family in the land of Canaan is affected. And so, Jacob sends his sons to Egypt to buy some food, but he doesn’t allow them to take Benjamin with them (last time one of Rachel’s sons was with his brothers, he got killed by a wild animal — at least, that’s what Jacob thought). And, wouldn’t you know it, guess who they have to see in order to purchase their food. Joseph.
Now, they don’t realize that it’s their younger brother. In fact, when Joseph asks about their family, they say that they have one brother who is dead and their youngest sibling is still at home with Dad. But Joseph recognizes them, and decides to mess with them a little.
When it is time for his brothers to go back home, Joseph tells them not to come back unless they have their youngest brother with them. And then he tells his servants to slip the money into their grain bags. When they get home, they open up the bags to find the money, and worry that something has gone horribly wrong.
After a while, they have to go back to Egypt to buy more food, but Jacob isn’t going to let them take Benjamin. After some back and forth, the brothers promise that he will be safe and that they will look after him.
The scene from their last visit replays itself. They even bring back the money from last time saying that they have no idea how it ended up in their sacks. Joseph tells them not to worry about it, has their bags prepared once again and feasts with his brothers. This time, however, Joseph has his servants slip his cup into Benjamin’s bag, and a little while after they leave, Joseph sends some men after them, accusing them of stealing Joseph’s cup. Benjamin is in big trouble, and his brothers are freaking out. They go back to plead for Benjamin, saying that the grief over losing him will be too much for their father. And at this point, Joseph reveals himself to his brothers.
Joseph and the Heart of Forgiveness
It would have been really easy for Joseph to seek revenge on his brothers. After all, remember, they beat him up, threw him in a pit and then sold him to slavery. While he did well for himself, the fact remains that they wronged him in some serious ways.
We all have somebody in our lives who has messed things up for us. Whether it was a bully from school, a co-worker that went behind our back and played some dirty office politics, a friend who proved to be otherwise, or a family member that cut us deep — there’s always somebody.
And when it comes to those kinds of people, we have a choice in how we respond to them. We can choose to take the path of vengeance, or we can choose to forgive.
Joseph decides to forgive. He takes the unexpected, even radical, route of forgiving his brothers for the harm they caused in his life.
At first, his brothers are “dismayed” when they realize that Joseph now stands before them. They fully expect Joseph to retaliate; and he has them in quite a bind right now. In fact, Joseph has full power and authority to have his brothers thrown in a pit of their own for the rest of their lives, if that’s what he wanted to do.
Would you react like Joseph? Would you be willing to forgive those who wronged you the most? If you were in Joseph’s position, would you do what he did?
Honestly, we are taught — by movies, media, experience, whatever — that we need to get even. Life is a zero-sum game at best. If somebody wrongs us, then we need to get back at them. But is that really the best way to live?
Ending the Cycle of Violence
If you’ve never seen Steven Spielberg’s Munich (released in 2005), may I take a moment to recommend it to you? It’s based on the true story of the aftermath of the 1972 Olympic games during which 11 Israeli athletes were taken hostage and eventually executed. The story follows five men who decide to go after the ones responsible for the massacre.
As you would expect, it is a violent movie. Most movies about revenge are. Only, this wasn’t just a movie. It is a study on the cycle of violence and the damage that it does. The ending of Munich is also a political statement, which is not so subtle. Avner (played by Eric Bana), a member of the team that goes after the ones who planned the Munich attack, and Ephraim (played by Geoffrey Rush), a member of Israeli intelligence and counterterrorism, are having a conversation in a park.
Avner : Did we accomplish anything at all? Every man we killed has been replaced by worse.
Ephraim : Why cut my finger nails? They’ll grow back.
Avner : Did we kill to replace the terrorist leadership or the Palestinian leadership? You tell me what we’ve done!
Ephraim : You killed them for the sake of a country you now choose to abandon. The country your mother and father built, that you were born into. You killed them for Munich, for the future, for peace.
Avner : There’s no peace at the end of this no matter what you believe. You know this is true.
The two men go their separate ways, and the camera follows Avner as he leaves the park… until the twin towers of the World Trade Center are in the background.
Hate begets hate. The cycle of violence continues. Until somebody ends it. Until forgiveness takes place.
Misconceptions about Forgiveness
When it comes to forgiveness, there are always questions, and the desire for loopholes and limitations. There’s a part of us that wants to forgive with qualifications. We want to be able to hold on the hurt that others have caused us while also being able to say that we have forgiven them. Why?
Because forgiveness is hard. When we forgive, we think we are letting somebody off the hook, that they won’t get what’s coming to them. Let’s face it, we like the idea of karma more than we like the idea of forgiveness.
We want to “forgive, but not forget”. Which is fine if “not forget” means that we learn any possible lessons from the hurt, but usually it means that we are going to hold onto the bitterness and anger, while being able to say we have forgiven because we know that’s what we are supposed to do. If that’s the case, we haven’t really forgiven, no matter what we may say.
Forgiveness is hard work. And it may take time. It may take counseling. But there comes a point when we can allow bitterness to hang on any more. And that is what Joseph has done with his brothers.
But that’s not the end of the story.
Accepting Forgiveness
As the story continues, Joseph’s family ends up moving to Egypt. They are allowed to reside in the area of Goshen, which is full of good pastures — perfect for a shepherding family like his. However, Jacob is quite advanced in years by the time this move takes place, and it isn’t long before he passes away. And now, Joseph’s brothers are prepared for the other shoe to drop.
All this time, they have been waiting for Joseph’s retaliation, figuring that the only reason he hasn’t is so that he won’t bring any grief upon their father in his old age. But now, Jacob is dead. The window of opportunity is open. At least, that seems to be what Joseph’s brothers are thinking.
They go to Joseph in Genesis 50 and say that their father wanted Joseph to forgive his brothers. Now, there’s no indication that Jacob actually said this, but, as somebody once said, “Don’t ruin a good story with the truth.”
They are still struggling with the idea that Joseph really has forgiven them. They can’t seem to accept it, and I think this highlights another struggle we have.
Sometimes, we allow guilt to hold onto us. We know that we have wronged another person, and we think that we deserve to be punished for it. But then they take the radical route of forgiveness, and we don’t believe it. Maybe we haven’t forgiven ourselves. Maybe we wouldn’t forgive them if the roles were reversed.
As a pastor, I’ve had people say to me: “God can’t forgive the things I’ve done,” or “I’m too far gone” as if their particular sin is too much for God to handle. And here’s what I want to say to them: you’re not that special.
I mean, sure, we live in an age where everybody is special. But, trust me when I say this: nobody is so special that he/she is the one person that God can’t forgive. It is the strange, twisted epitome of arrogance to suggest otherwise.
God’s ability to forgive infinitely exceeds our ability to sin.
Stop. Read that again, if you need to. And then continue.
Just as Joseph was able to forgive his brothers, God has already forgiven you — whether you realize it or not, whether you “deserve” it or not. God already has. If Jesus can say, “Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing” while hanging on the cross, God can forgive even the worst thing that you have done.
And so, receive that forgiveness, and in turn, give it out liberally. Let go of the hurt and anger, and allow the healing of forgiveness to take place.
